Pregnant for a married man

Dear Pastor,

I am a 23-year-old woman and I am worried because my boyfriend is married.

From the day we met and became friends, he told me about his marriage. I told him that I could work with that. If he hadn’t told me about it and I had found out later on, I would be upset. When I met him, I was not working and he helped me to get a job. He also helped me to get a place to live because my parents’ house was in a bad condition. I couldn’t pay rent, but he found me a nice place to live and the rent was reasonable. It is a one-bedroom flat.

I didn’t hide anything from my mother; the only thing I didn’t tell her is that this man is married. I introduced him to my her and my grandmother. My father never supported me, but I know him. I remember when I was a child, my mother sent me to him because she had no money to send me to school. So she told me to go to my father and ask him for lunch money. He cursed me and told me that he is not sure if I am his child because my mother was fooling around. I felt so ashamed; I cried and walked away. This man I am with has taken good care of me. I do not only see him as my boyfriend, but as a father. I know where his wife works, but she does not know me. This man gives me grocery money every two weeks. It is more than enough for me, so part of what he gives me, I give to my mother and grandmother.

Now the main reason for writing to you is because I have missed my period. I did a pregnancy test and it shows that I am pregnant. This man and I always use protection. He buys condoms but he hides them in his car. One day when we were having sex, the condom broke and that is when I believe I got pregnant. He asked me what I wanted to do. He said if I wanted to terminate the pregnancy, he would give me the money to do so. I told him he should give me some time to think. I asked my mother how she would feel if I became pregnant and she said that she hoped that I was not trying to tell her that I was. She said that I planned to go to school, so I must wait until I finish college.

This man has three sons. He said that if I am keeping the pregnancy, he would love for me to have a girl. He is not bothered about his wife. He does not believe that she would leave him because she would have too much to lose. Recently I told this man that I would carry his baby and he said he would support the child. I am planning to ask him to meet with my mother and grandmother and tell them that he got me pregnant.

Do you believe that I am doing the right thing? Please for your fatherly advice.

Initials Withheld

Dear Writer,

I must tell you that you have made the right decision. This man told you that he wanted you to decide whether or not you would carry the pregnancy.

He also said that he was not concerned about what his wife would say because she would have more to lose if she decides to leave him. It would have been better for this man to say that he would beg his wife pardon when she finds out that he has impregnated you. What I am trying to say here is that I do not believe that he is showing much respect to his wife. Nevertheless, you should not get involved with how he handles that situation.

You and this man have not been careless in having unprotected sex. He has used the condom, but he has kept them in his car, and a vehicle is not a good place to keep condoms. If a car is parked in the sun, the heat will damage the condoms. Even a man’s wallet is not a good place to have condoms for any long period. So I am not surprised that the condom broke. Even when condoms are kept in a cool place, a man should not use them after a certain number of months have passed.

I hope your parents would not condemn you for getting pregnant. I hope they will support you in every way possible. You will eventually have to let your parents know that this man is married, but I do not think that it is wise to do so now. They may not be able to take the shock.

Pastor